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The only
SandBagger publication endorsed by Dave Barry.
"Why don't
you just make something up, like everyone else
does."
-- Dave
Barry, 2003 --
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SandBagger Mag-e-zine -
Volume 5 - Issue 5 - May 5, 2005 - 5:55
a.m. |
Reader
Commentary:
- "A summary of reader comments?! What
a unique way to clean out your in box..."
-- Tim Putaansuu
- "Oh my gosh! I'm really on
the mailing list!!!!! -- Dee Hadley
- "Another fine rag Joe . . . Thanks a
million . . ." -- Frank
King
In This
Issue:
- SandBagger Contest featured in Columbia
River Reader -- by Kaufbaugh Twilley
- Wheeler Gives Up Gavel -- by
Lola Lane
- Moonshine Espresso -- by
Jayson Glass
- Herb Says -- Reader Commentary
by Roland Richards
- Herb Says -- Response by
Horace J. Digby, Jr.
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by Kaufbaugh
Twilley - SandBagger News
The
May 15th issue of the Columbia River Reader now
available throughout our community features a wonderful
twenty-fifth-anniversary article about the May 18th 1980 eruption of Mt. St Helens, and
how a brave band of civic spirit fellows, with a chartered
airplane, saved our community by throwing a virgin into
the volcano.
If it
hadn't been for the quick thinking action of the Sandbaggers,
there might not be a Columbia River basin at all today.
Now
with Mt. St. Helens acting up again, the SandBaggers are
looking for a new plan to save the community again.
Thwarted in their attempt to run advertising looking for
another virgin, They instead turned to the Columbia River
Reader newspaper (CRR), which agreed to run a contest to
find a new plan. The CRR invited readers to submit their
ideas for stopping the volcano. To be judged by the
SandBaggers based originality, and stupidity, with the dumbest
plan entitling its author and a guest to an all expense paid
lunch with the SandBaggers at Yan's Restaurant, in West Kelso,
Washington. If the wining idea is really stupid, the
winner may also be considered for membership in the
SandBaggers (assuming of course they meet with the
SandBaggers' high
standards.
The first entry
has already come flooding in, "and it is a doozy," according
to contest coordinator, Horace J. Digby.
(Richards and Plampin to
Entertain.)
by Lola Lane -
SandBagger News
This
February's annual Sweetheart's Ball was no end of surprises,
as Roland Richards and Kenny Plampin entertained, by doing the
same lame vaudeville act Barry Morrill and Joe Daggy have done
at least a dozen times (only this time it was on video tape
instead of live—as if that some how makes it
more like entertainment for a change). It came as no
surprise that Richards and Plampin were better in the parts
than Daggy and Morrill had been.
For
no apparent reason, President Wes Wheeler named Nick Kalinin
as incoming President. This was quite a surprise since
Nick had been a Sandbagger less than one year. But more
of a surprise was naming Don Cianci as Nick's Vice
President.
After
learning of his election, Cianci was quick to take action in
his new position. His first official act was to
introduce a petition for the impeachment of Kalinin.
"I'll sign
that," Kalinin said. "Where do I
sign?"
Unhappy with
the slowness of the impeachment process, Cianci announced that
he had formed a new organization which would be called the
CianciBaggers, and would meet at the north end of the
SandBagger meeting room at Yan's Restaurant, each Friday at
noon. Nick Kalinin
promptly applied for membership in the new club.
Kalinin came
to the office with a fervor not often seen in Sandbagger
Presidents. He had an agenda that included organizing a
garage sale to raise funds for charity. And, although
the idea was greeted with enthusiasm, other SandBaggers were
unable to see a clever way to turn it into a frivolous and
amusing but otherwise meaningless gesture, as has long
been their trademark.
In fact the
only member continuing to promote the idea is Roland Richards,
who repeatedly suggested that we needed some one trustworthy
to run the cash register at the garage sale.
Herb Hadley
wanted to know why the garage sale wasn't a good idea.
And Skip Piper was confused by the entire topic, thinking we
had been talking about a "garbage pale."
Failed Coup Attempt
A coup
attempt was thwarted by the quick action of new SandBagger
Steve McGhee. When Past Vice Presidents Tim South and
Dave Spurgeon promoted an unscheduled election to place
themselves in the position of duly elected SandBagger
officers, McGhee prevented their near takeover of the top
SandBagger jobs by asking Frank King to pass the tea. As
has long been a SandBagger custom, everyone at the table began
passing everything on the table to McGhee, and were therefore
unable to raise their hands to vote.
Moonshine
Espresso
By Jayson Glass
-- SandBagger
News
North Kelso has
seen many changes over the years, but probably one of the most
welcome has been the opening of Moonshine Espresso at 1009
North Pacific, Avenue, in Kelso. Owner, Debby Benna, has
worked hard to convert the former restaurant into a lively,
harmonious and comfortable location to stop off and have a
coffee, a late, a "wrap" sandwich, and loads more.
Formerly known as
Hudsen's Hamburgers, Twiggy's , Munchies, the Country Cafe,
and Omar's Cafe, the building has long housed truly loving and
wonderful people who get their joy out of providing great food
at reasonable prices.
If you haven't
been by yet, it's time you visited Moonshine Espresso in North
Kelso. Fine food and beverages, with a decidedly
Northwest flair. And you had better hurry, because it
looks like the city of Kelso plans to tear up the road for
most of the summer to put in sidewalks and sewers.
Reader commentary by
someone claiming to be Roland Richards
The
recent prevalence of our nations youth who quote Herb Hadley
is alarming. I could almost understand if they were
quoting Ralph Nader or Jerry Brown, but why
Hadley? don't misunderstand me. I have great
respect for the man, it's just that he's not the sort of
person we want leading our nations
youth.
At
a SandBagger meeting in October, I overheard Herb telling a
young man, "If you are not going to eat all of that, be sure
to get a carton so you can take it home with you for
later." What sort of advice is that to give a young
man. Hording food is a sure way to become an overweight
old fart like the rest of us SandBaggers.
A
week later Herb was telling the same young man, "Be sure that
your parents vote Republican this year. Tell me if they
don't."
It
has gotten so that, if you ask this one young man (who used to
be intelligent and well educated) any question at all, he
begins his answer with the words, "Herb says . .
."
A
in December Herb arrived at our regular Friday meeting with a
whole group of young men, most of them under sixty, and he had
already convinced three out of four to go by the same last
name "Hadley." Sure they all claimed to be his
relatives, but I see where this is going.
It's the same sort of thing the Begawan tried to do down in
Oregon, although that was different, because the Begawan
wasn't as sinister as Herb (and besides, we all enjoyed
wearing those red robes, and that free love was great too. .
. I was younger back then).
So
parents be warned. Your children may start quoting Herb
soon. Watch for any warning signs, like a sudden desire
to listen to talk radio.
Herb Says
(Rebuttal)
I have given
the article allegedly written by Roland Richard s all due consideration, and it
is time for me to reply, Herb
says.
"First of all,
while I personally have the deepest respect for the author, as
a person, and while I feel, that as an American, Richards is
entitled to his opinion, don't you (the reader) really think,
(pretty good rhetorical questions, hey?) it is about time for
our great nation to pass laws making it illegal for people
like Richards and his liberal buddies, to voice
these undermining and divisive
opinions?" Herb
says.
Herb also said, as we
were talking this matter over at our regular weekly meeting,
just after his talk radio show, "The ACLU has
already gone after the Boy Scouts, and soon the will be coming
after the rest of us.
"Perhaps they
don't know who they are dealing with," Herb said,
anonymously.
Editor's Note:
We have gotten so much
flack with our November articles in which actual writers who
really exist wrote columns for SandBagger Mag-e-zine,
that we have gone back to our tried and true format which
readers seem to enjoy, or at least, have given up complaining
about, namely, we just make stuff up, along with the names of
the people who write them. But even so, all
references to Herb Hadley, Roland Richards, and of course
Ralph Nader, as usual, are typographical errors, and according
to our lawyers, not actionable. -- Horace J.
Digby
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Don't believe everything you
read. |
SandBagger
Mag-e-zine is published by Lexington Film, LLC.
All
"persons" "places" "events" "plants" depicted are
fictional, especially "Herb Hadley" "Roland Richards" and
"Ralph Nader."
Copyright
© 2005 Lexington Film, LLC. All rights reserved
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