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The Only SandBagger publication endorsed by Dave
Barry.
"You want me to read
this?" --
Dave Barry, 2003 -- |
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SandBagger Mag-e-zine - Volume 4
- Issue 4 - April 4, 2004 |
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Your SandBagger Horoscope:
- Last
Wednesday: The President will give a speech
about leadership.
- Next
Wednesday: Your Sand-Bagger Horoscope will be
wrong.
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In this Issue:
- English
for the Slovaks
- SandBagger Joke-Off
- Wheeler Unveils
Agenda
- Club
Calendar
- News For
Sale
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English for the
Slovaks
By Horace Digby, Jr. -- Guest
Editorial -- SandBagger News
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It turns
out the hardest part of learning the
Slovak language is that most people in Slovakia
speak pretty good English (except, of course, when it
would really be convenient).
That's why I am
always on the lookout for a chance
to improve my
Slovak.
I've
also been looking for a service project
to do before my year here is over.
Volunteering to
help teach an English class at the
University seemed like a great idea.
"Nothing like killing two vták with one
kamen," I always say (now,
before you get all impressed, in Slovakia
"university" means "high school").
It only took a few
classes before I was nonplussed at the students'
constant use of English swear words. The
words didn't bother me. The problem was they had
the grammar all wrong. It was
like listening to fingernails on a
chalkboard.
When I
mentioned this in class, one student quickly suggested a
"výrobna," which is Slovak for
"workshop." What a
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funny joke, I thought. At
least I did until
everyone else started agreeing with him. They all
thought a "swear-word work-shop" would be the
greatest thing since sliced chlieb. Even
the teacher liked the idea. She placed me in
charge—just before she left the room.
Suddenly I was
teaching a class in the proper use of English swear
words. I guess you could call it, "Cussing as a
Second Language."
Now, Mom and Dad,
before you condemn the subject: remember, those kids
already knew and used the words. So I figured,
"Why not teach them to do it right?" Heck, when
you really think about it, this workshop may one
day help avoid a very unpleasant INTER-NATIONAL INCIDENT
with the people of Slovakia. It might even prevent
one of those CULTURAL EXCHANGES. You know the
ones—with all the acrobats, ballet
troupes, and trained
dogs.
I shudder to think of
it.
The lecture went
well. Now twenty-some Slovak teenagers are aware
that saying, "This is &%$!-ing situation," is not a
grammatically correct way to swear in
English.
"No," I told
them, "the only way to get your point across is to say,
'This is a &%$!-ed-up situation.'
" By
George, I think they've got it.
It
turns out there are thirty uses in English for the word
"&%$!." FORTUNATELY, only eight of these
translate into Slovak.
Well, Mom and Dad,
I hope you are proud of me. Do you think I
should include this in my application to
Cambridge?
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By Lola Lane --
SandBagger News
Plans are moving
slowly
for
the first annual SandBagger Joke-Off. It was
scheduled for April 1st. "We're only three
days
late so
far. That means we are already six weeks ahead of
schedule. We didn't expect to be this far behind for at
least another month," nobody actually said, but a quote
seemed so appropriate here.
The concept was solid.
SandBaggers would sell tickets and get some people to come to
tell jokes, do skits and generally act funny.
The money would go to charity. But we still need a place
to do this, an MC and some people to
actually tell jokes. And, of course, there is that
charity.
But most of all we need some guys with enough time to really
make it all happen.
New Bagger Leadership Makes Plans
By Jayson Glass -- SandBagger News
When Wes Wheeler was elected
SandBagger President, he couldn't have been happier if we
had stuck his head to the floor with Super Glue.
The appointment came at this year's annual Valentines
Banquet.
"What a pooch screw this is,"
wheeler told SandBagger news. "I have minded my own
business, tried to stay out of trouble, and have done whatever
they  asked of me. Now they treat me like
this."
"There are other members who deserve
this sort of treatment a lot more than I do," Wheeler added,
looking around the room at other Baggers (most of whom avoided
eye contact).
That was pretty much the sentiment
of the entire crowd as Wheeler gave his acceptance speech at
the beautiful Rutherglenn
Mansion. Not since Barry Morrill served
two terms in the top spot, has a SandBagger seemed more in
touch with the heaviness of the task before him. Wheeler
not only inherited the weighty burden of making the First
Annual SandBagger Joke-Off a success, but he has also been
saddled with fellow officers who are perhaps best described as
"flakes."
"Look at who they gave me for officers," Wheeler said.
"Skip Piper is treasurer again, and he didn't even make it to
this meeting. He's so old, he pulled his back trying to
open a checking
account. Then that vice president, Bill Putaansuu. Sure I
know he's experienced in the position, but duhhh! He's
dead. How is he going to run meetings if I'm
absent. And my secretary is illiterate. I don't
really think I want him sitting on my lap either, although he
keeps trying. Finally, I'm afraid to ask what Ken
Plampin is supposed to do as 'Keeper of The Ash Hole',"
Wheeler more or less wined to those present.
SandBagger
Calendar of Events
By Stephen Blair --
SandBagger News
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As part of our continuing
effort to provide readers with health and fitness
information, here is a list of recreational activities
you can be involved in with actual
SandBaggers.
Friday, April 9th
or 10th, the Baggers will have lunch at Yans Restaurant.
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Friday, April 15th or 16th, the Baggers will get
together for lunch at Yans.
Then on Friday, April 22nd,
those
SandBaggers who can make it, plan an outing to Yans
for lunch. This will be followed by our regular
Friday lunch at Yans on
April
29th. |
Members
are advised to clip this calendar of events and put it
in their wallets, or have it painted on their car, or,
if they prefer, their
dog.
Next time in this
column: SandBagger
Yoga!!!
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Reader
Commentary by Tom Haseltine -- SandBagger
News
I think I've got a news story for
you, sort of . . .
Notify the public that your Top News
Story of the day (due to a slow news period) will be for sale
to the highest bidder. Think of the opportunities.
You can now SELL the news and make BIG BUCKS! Forget
selling advertising! I think I'm onto something
here. I want a cut!
Your next "SOLD" article could be a
parody of some sort, perhaps an article bought by the
President, claiming his victories or defending his
critics. Rebuttals could be half price! And you
could treat this whole thing as a political
contribution. Think of the tax benefits. I'll open
up the Swiss bank accounts right now.
Let me know what you think . . .
We need to discuss this over at Hooters . . .
Ciao
for now, Tom.
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Don't believe
everything you
read. |
SandBagger Mag-e-zine is published by Lexington
Film, LLC.
All "persons" "places" and "events" depicted are
fictional, especially "Herb Hadley."
Copyright © 2004 Lexington Film, LLC. All rights
reserved
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