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Breaking News - In
Brief:
- Sweethearts
Banquet! February 14th,
2004! At Rutherglen
Man-sion! Call Kings Travel for
reser-vations. About $25 per person.
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In this
Issue:
- No News is Bad
News!
- Japanese Troops in Iraq!
- Baggers to Rebuild
Iraq?
- Stephen Glass Joins
SBN
- www.sandbaggers.biz
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Needed For This Space
By
Lana Long -- (Don't kid yourself Lola. Buttonman likes
me.) --
SandBagger News
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A
severe, continuing news shortage is threatening many small and
medium sized e-magazines nationally.
According to CBS News correspondent Dan
Rather, "there was
plenty of news a week ago, but now we don't know where it all
went. It really looks like no news is, well, No
News," Rather said.
SandBagger Mag-e-zine
investigative reporter Lana Long, was not content with
the party line on this.
After being
stone- |
walled by main-stream
media, Long found a person who claimed to be a warehouse-man
for the Reuters news agency. He shared the following
"inside story" with our
readers:
"The guys from our head office
keep coming and going with big canvas bags. I don't know
what is in these bags, but it all looks pretty suspicious to
me. Oh, and if they
find out I talked to you, they'll fire me . . . So
don't print this . . . Ok?"
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First Japanese Troops Arrive In Iraq
By Horace J. Digby --
Editor-In-Chief -- SandBagger News
Baghdad, Iraq --
U.S. aspirations for a
successful resolution of the Iraq
situation soared
today as the first busload of Japanese
troops arrived here.
Armed with cameras, comfortable shoes and the
latest in luggage, more than two-dozen Japanese fighting men and
women entered the walled city of Baghdad walking ahead of their
enigmatic leader who is mysteriously known only as "The
Cap'n."
While his troops went
ahead, taking reconnaissance photos and establishing their base camp
at one of the better hotels, "The Cap'n" took a moment to give our
readers what is believed to be the first interview of this
little-known (yet somehow strangely familiar) military
leader.
SBN:
"Haven't we met before?"
Cap'n: "That wasn't
me."
SBN:
"Perhaps I shouldn't say this, but you really
don't look very Japanese!"
Cap'n:
"Sure I am. I have a membership card and
everything."
SBN:
"And these people with you—they don't look much
like soldiers."
Cap'n: "Sure they are. What do you
think—they're
tourists or something?
SBN:
"Well, they look a lot like tourists."
Cap'n:
"Keep it down. Some don't know they've been
drafted yet."
SBN: "You can't bring a
bunch of tourists here! This is a war
zone!"
Cap'n:
"Well, you can if they think it's Hawaii."
SBN:
"They . . ."
Cap'n:
"Of course we gave them
discounts."
SBN:
". . . you need to get these . . ."
Cap'n:
"Half fair. The Pentagon picks up the
other seventy-five percent."
SBN:
"Wait a minute. I know you. You're
Roland Richards."
Cap'n:
"Never heard of him. I'm the Supreme
Commander of the . . ."
SBN: "You've
got to get these tourists out of here right
now!"
Cap'n: "Are you
kidding? And miss the
Luau?"
(We'll do it for
$85 Billion!)
By Jayson Glass -- SandBagger News
President George W.
Bush committed $87 Billion American dollars to rebuilding
Iraq. Which, according to economist Dean Wood, is a lot of
money. But fortunately, the SandBaggers  have announced a plan to do the job for much
less.
"Just look at what
we were able to do for that squirrel over by the library.
We can do the same thing
for Iraq," said SandBagger spokes person Barry Morrill to a
small group of women and
preschool children gathered near his Longview
office.
"The first thing, is to stimulate the
economy," Morrill said. "We figure Iraq is a good place to
sell some of our Frog Wine. We also plan to unload
some of those Frog Wine T-shirts."
Although no details were provided, Morrill claimed that the
SandBaggers could rebuild Iraq for just under $85 Billion dollars,
"Uncle Sam will save a cool $2 Billion and change on that deal,"
Morrill said.
However, a document
has come to the attention of SandBagger Mag-e-zine which
casts grave doubts
on these promises. Labeled "Project Budget," the document
shows that SandBaggers intend to spend only "About $14 bucks"
actually rebuilding Iraq, with most of that money going for a
sign that says "Now Leaving Iran." The rest of the $85 Billion
is earmarked for "overhead and
profit."
But Morrill, undaunted by the document, pointed out that
billions of dollars in contracts have already been let to
Halliburton with no bid at all, "so it is fundamentally unfair to complain about one or two
lines in the SandBagger bid."
"Besides, we'll need a few bucks for
kickbacks," Morrill added.
By Jayson Glass --
SandBagger News
Former New Republic journalist Stephen Glass, who
trashed his career by filing false news stories with other
major media, hasn't hit rock bottom. At least he hadn't
until last week when
he reportedly
singed a "two
figure deal" with SandBagger News.
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"We respect reporters like
Glass, who go that extra mile," said SBN
editor Horace J.
Digby.
"Today's
savvy reader wants more than just
the
truth,"
Digby said. "She wants the lies behind the truth, and
that is where Glass really shines."
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"We know Glass
will give our
readers the whole story,
even if he
has to make most of it up."
[Editor's note: At
press time, we learned that Glass lied about his credentials
for this position with Sand-Bagger Mag-e-zine. He now
claims his name is Stephen Blair.]
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By Frank King --
SandBagger News -- Skip
Piper
"This is
our third month on the net, and we still haven't made a billion
dollars," SandBagger treasurer Skip Piper complained to fellow
Baggers Friday.
Piper, who had already invested in a second set of books on the
strength of earlier reports that Bagger bank accounts would soon be
brimming, seemed put-out as he announced that accounts had not yet
cracked the magic number.
Long-time Piper crony Roland Richards was also miffed. "If
this keeps up, I may have to withdraw my bid for the treasurer
spot," Richards said in response to the news of less than
expected internet earnings.
Please tune to: www.sandbaggers.biz...
PLEASE!!!
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