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 Mag-e-zine
The Only SandBagger publication endorsed by Dave
Barry.
"Just
make up a quote. That's what everyone else does."
-- Dave Barry, 2003 |
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SandBagger Mag-e-zine - Volume III - Issue X
- December 15, 2003 |
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In this Issue:
- We Got
Him!
- Baggers Wax
Skis and Eloquent!
- The Siren of Mt. Hood.
- Canopeners R Us - Road
Trip!
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We Got
Him
By Horace J. Digby -- SandBagger News
TIKRIT, Iraq - Today U.S.
forces here pulled Saddam Hussein from a hole in
the ground behind a two-room shepherd's hut, within sight of
the former Iraqi President's lavish palace,
according to a Reuters news agency report by Robin
Pomeroy.
In an exclusive interview with
SandBagger Mag-e-zine the deposed Iraqi leader claimed he was
not in fact Saddam Hussein, but is instead Ken Plampin, a
substance abuse counselor, who "must have taken a wrong
turn last night, on the way to a costume party at Rush
Limbaugh's house."
U.S. officials promise to get
to the bottom of the matter using DNA testing as soon as
Monica Lewinski is available. Absolute identification of
the former Iraqi leader has been made difficult by
major television networks' habit of showing old
footage of Hussein, saying that it is live. While this
tactic worked for Dick Cheney, it has done nothing but fuel
debate over whether Hussein had survived previous
bombings.
In other news, Geraldo Rivera
has agreed to excavate the hole where Saddam Hussein was
captured. This will be broadcast on the SandBagger
News Network later this
month.
By Lola
Lane -- (In your dreams, Buttonman) -- SandBagger News
MT HOOD, Oregon - "We reached the
highest skiable point on the
mountain to find ourselves looking down on an endless sea
of white, churning clouds, frozen in time, far far below; an
infinite tumultuous
softness randomly broken by jagged piercing black peaks of the
lesser Cascades. We were looking down on mountain tops
erupting through a vapor—formidable islands
in that gentle storming mist," said Joe
Daggy, trying to explain why he had contacted
the ski area medical center in search of missing SandBagger
Dwain
Buck.
Welcome to SandBagger
Mag-e-zine's new fitness column. This month
we discuss recreation for men in their
fifties. A recent study by the SandBagger Institute
for Advanced Human Research and Bowling Team shows that, the
best way to avoid being over the hill is to ski down the
hill.
According to
Institute researcher Dave Spurgeon,
"We barely
arrived in the ski area parking lot, when a snowboarder in his
thirties told us we 'weren't so bad for a bunch of old
farts.' I was at a
loss for words, but fellow researcher Steve McGhee told the
boarder, 'You just keep working hard to make sure our
Social Security checks keep coming in.'"
"Another way to
keep in shape is to wander all over the mountain looking for
the damn car you drove up in," said researcher Dwain
Buck. "Dave Spurgeon called me on my cell phone
and left a message saying everyone
would meet me in  the 'car,' where they
were all 'drinking martinis with a rich
lady who had a plasma television,'" Buck said.
"So I
walked to the car carrying all my ski gear, but when I got to
the car, it was gone." Buck was, grinding his
teeth. After that he did some breathing exercises
consisting mostly of yelling defamatory epithets concerning
Dave Spurgeon and various members of the animal kingdom,
then picked up his ski gear and ended up walking all over the
mountain looking for the
car.
Spurgeon insisted that the
message left for Buck was, "We are in the 'BAR' drinking martinis . .
." Buck (who was somewhat mollified
at this point after having shoved a large snowball down
Spurgeon's shirt and after learning that his fellow Baggers
had conducted an extensive search—which included some
embarrassing moments explaining why they
didn't actually know if Buck was lost or not) accepted
this "apology."
Researcher Frank King felt that a
better way to get in shape was to brush-up on skiing skills by
taking a lesson. "It is also a good way to stay out of the
medical center," King
said. "After the lesson, I went back to
the
'BAR' to drink
martinis with this rich lady who had just purchased a plasma
TV."
By Lana Long -- (Don't kid
yourself Lola. Buttonman likes me.) --
SandBagger News
When a
young woman in a ski resort bar offers to buy
you and your pals shots of
Jägermeister, the
SandBaggers know the correct answer, even if they don't
quite seem to know what Jägermeister
is.
Steve McGhee, who
insists he is not an "official" SandBagger, promptly asked the raven
haired fräulein if she intended us to
drink the Jägermeister in the traditional manner,
by sipping it out of her navel.
Since
she had never heard of that
tradition, other SandBaggers
eagerly explained it to her; all except for Dwain Buck
that is. Buck sincerely seemed not
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to want much to do with the
whole thing.
But aided
by her condition, which your
an emer-gency room doctor would call alert and
oriented times zero, and by en-couragement from the
SandBaggers, the young lady mistook Buck's lack of
interest as a form of mysterious aloofness and
insisted that Buck join in.
At this point Buck suddenly
got up and left the bar—probably headed out to the car
to see if the plasma TV was still
working.
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Don't believe everything you
read. |
SandBagger
Mag-e-zine is published by Lexington Film, LLC.
All
"persons" "places" and "events" depicted are
fictional, especially "Herb Hadley."
Copyright
© 2003 Lexington Film, LLC. All rights reserved
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