SandBagger Mag-e-zine - Volume 4, Issue 11, November 1, 2004
 
   SandBagger Mag-e-zine 
                                           The only SandBagger publication endorsed by Dave Barry.
                                  "Why don't you just make something up, like everyone else does."
                                                                                                      -- Dave Barry, 2003 --
                      SandBagger Mag-e-zine - Volume 4 - Issue 11 - November 1, 2004
 
Murder on the Rails
          At the Monticello Hotel 
  • Doug York's tour de farce Murder-Mystery-Dinner-Theater is coming to the Monticello Hotel this November 5, 6, 12, 13, 19 and 20, Staring Doug York, Kelly Carroll-Kerr, Gregg Campbell and Joe Daggy.  Seating is at 6:00 p.m.  For reservation call (360) 425-9900.  
In this Issue:
  • USA, Inc -- by Skip Piper. 
  • Mosley's Mt. St. Helens Air Tours -- by "Squinting Jim" Mosley. 
  • Turkey Day -- by Horace J. Digby
Reader Commentary -- by Skip Piper  
 
       Dear Horace:  Regarding the first article in the October issue of SandBagger Mag-e-zine (A Non PartisanSkip Piper System, by Ed Tasca, Volume 4, umber 11, October 24, 2004):  I agree with its content (I think). 
 
     However, I would like to suggest that all political parties be abolished and that the U.S. face reality and incorporate.  We should search for and elect a C.E.O.  We'll need to offer an attractive, competitive compensation package (including perks) to attract the right person for this job.  We also need a Board of Directors.  The rest of us can become stockholders.  
 
    Of course the C.E.O should be allowed to quit if he is not doing a good job, but he (or she) can still keep the billion-dollar severance package.   The rest of us will get substantial tax cuts. 
 
    This is just the beginning. . .  There's no end to what incorporation will do for us all—later, when we file for bankruptcy. 
 
     Let's faceUSA, Inc.  it, a government lead by politicians is old fashioned.  Besides, being the head of a political government is too hazardous.  the result is, only less qualified people apply for the position.  All of the folks are already C.E.O.s. 
 
    As treasurer of a small organization (with ever dwindling funds) I move this concept of hiring leaders be given consideration at the grass roots. . .  We can hold the first meeting of our new corporation at Yan's (Same Ol' Thing) Restaurant, right here in West Kelso, or Longview, or where ever the heck we are. 

Reader commentary by  "Squinting Jim"  Mosley  
 
    Mo Aero of Fairbanks, Alaska has opened a branch of its air-tour service in Cowlitz County,Piper Cub after "Sqhinting Jim's" last "Safe" landing. offering flights over Mt. St. Helens as their "Daily Special.""Sqhinting Jim" Mosley, Ready for Takeoff!!!  The Newest plane in their fleet, a 1947 Piper CJ Cub, offers in-flight cocktails, Roland Burgers and entertainment by the well known stewardess, Ms. Goldie Lacelove. 
 
    Boarding will be at 6:30 a.m. daily (or every other day, depending on how the pilot feels).  Flights leave from the Rose Valley International Airport (just in front of the fire station).  The price for a tour varies from fifteen dollars to one hundred eighty-seven dollars, depending on whether the pilot shows up.  There is also a 30% fare reduction for "anyone who knows Herb Hadley."  Round-trip prices are slightly  higher. 
 
    All flights feature Chief Pilot, "Squinting Jim" Mosley, who is well remembered for setting a world record of 37 passengers in a CJ Cub, back in 1950. 
 
    There is also a special fare for SandBaggers—40% more than the regular price.  For reservations call Shanghai Valley Airways BR 549.
 
Turkey Day.
By Horace J. Digby -- SandBagger News 
    November is upon us again, and for many that means just one thing: that special day when Americans concentrate on selecting just the right turkey.  Some call it "Turkey Day," but I still like to call the first Tuesday in November by its traditional name, "Election Day."  
    Election day is always tough, but this year I had an especially hard time.  I must have spent days deciding whether to vote for Kerry or against Bush. 
    Of course, many readers look forward to that other prominent turkey-based day in November, Thanksgiving.  But not me.  I'm in gentle terror of Thanksgiving.  I know it's a bad attitude (bah humbug) and if it continues, I'll probably get a visit from three ghosts.  But I just can't help it.  I figure the ghost scenario will go something like this:Geroge W. Bush - John Kerry 
 
    First Ghost:     Take care young Ebenezer.  I am the Ghost of Thanksgiving past.
     Ebenezer:        My name is Horace. 
    First Ghost:     What ever. . .  I am here to remind you of the joy you once felt at Thanksgiving. 
    Horace:           OK, but get me back before the football game. 
 
    Magically, the ghost and I are whisked away to scenes of my youth.  Mother is in the kitchen mashing potatoes and basting a turkey.  My sisters-in-law are fighting.  It started with their kids (who are already outside playing together) then escalated to the mothers who just can't seem to let it go.  Dad is watching football on a 17" black and white television, while one of my two older brothers is trying to talk the other into investing in a carwash business.  Relatives begin to arrive and soon everyone is arguing politics, playing poker and making toddies.  
 
    Later, after dinner, there is this pudgy kid seated in front of the Gnawing a turkey leg. . .television gnawing on a turkey leg, just like Mickey Mouse is doing on the small screen.  
 
    First Ghost:    See how happy you were Ebenezer?  
    Horace:          That's not me. 
    First Ghost:    Sure it is.  Remember?  You thought Thanksgiving was great. 
    Horace:          Ok, if you say so.  By the way, what time is it? 
 
   The First Ghost suddenly fades and just as suddenly a second ghost arrives.  This ghost is badly shaken by his trip from where ever, so I offer him a glass of brandy which he gulps down, then pours himself another.  
 
    Second Ghost:     Ok.  This says "Standard Christmas flashbacks." 
    Horace:           I think it's a Thanksgiving deal.  Thanksgiving Past, Thanksgiving Present, Thank. . .
    Second Ghost:     No, I've got a work order here.  It says "Christmas."  We can't just go around changing it to Thanksgiving at the drop of a hat. 
 
    After two more brandies and a phone call to "headquarters," Ghost Two leaves, promising to get back to me after the holidays.  His departure is followed by a knock at the front door.  It turns out to be the Third Ghost. 
 
    Horace:           Why didn't you just appear like all the other ghosts? 
    Third Ghost:    Be careful Ebenezer.  I am the Ghost of . . . 
    Horace:            Horace. . .  My name is Horace! 
    Third Ghost:    Whatever. . . 
 
    Suddenly the Third Ghost and I are in a beautiful hotel dining room.  It is tastefully decorated in the spirit of the season.  My family is all around, and servers are busy bringing our banquet to the table.  Two nieces are talking about a food drive they just completed for Girl Scouts.  Mother is not in the kitchen.  She is at the table enjoying a wonderful visit with Aunt Helen.  My sisters-in-law are arguing about a fight their children started last Thanksgiving. 
 
    Horace:            Excuse me Mr. ghost, but who's that little guy at the end of the table?
   Third Ghost:    Him?  That's Tiny Tim.  He's included with all scenarios this month.  No extra charge. 
 
    The Third Ghost gestures dramatically to our beautiful surroundings. 
 
    Third Ghost:    Behold Ebenezer.  This will be your fate if you do not mend your ways. 
    Horace:            What's wrong with this?  Everything is perfect.  What's wrong with this? 
    Third Ghost:    Well there is the matter of the bill. 
 
   The Third Ghost hands me a small leatherette folder containing a substantial hotel bill for our Thanksgiving dinner. 
 
    Third Ghost:    I will act as your cashier.  Will that be cash or charge?  
    Horace:            Can I charge this to the room? 
    Third Ghost:    Oh, most Certainly. 
    Horace:            Great.  So, how do you spell Ebenezer? 
 
Editor's Note:          
    The Skip Piper article and the Jim Mosley Article were written by them, with only minor editorial changes.  The comments by Roland Richards in this issue were inspired by actual comments by him.  The Article by Horace J. Digby Jr. is based on concepts created by Horace J. Digby Jr.  All references to Herb Hadley and Nick Kalinin are typographical errors, and according to our team of lawyers, non actionable.  --  Horace J. Digby
Don't believe everything you read.         
SandBagger Mag-e-zine is published by Lexington Film, LLC. 
All "persons" "places" "events" "plants" depicted are fictional, especially "Herb Hadley."
Copyright © 2004 Lexington Film, LLC. All rights reserved  
Visit: Lexington Film, LLC!