|
Rasco
Says "New Plank"
An editorial written by
Vice Presidential candidate, Hank Rasco (rewritten of course, by Lola
Lane, Political Editor and Slut) Sand-Bagger News
Wasco County OR -- Vice
Presidential candidate, Hank Rasco, today announced an exciting new
plank for his run for the Vice Presidential Mansion.
We have plagued with calls
here at Digby - Rasco 2008 headquarters. The first was a wrong
number, but the second was a caller wanting to know why we, unlike
other major political campaigns, didn't have any campaign planks.
As your Vice Presidential
candidate, I immediately called for a multimillion-dollar study. I
think I will have the study added to the back of my house next to the hot
tub.
Betting back to the
caller's question, I told the caller, "Horace, you were in charge of
campaign planks. Remember. I'm handling campaign
spending."
Of course, I had to admit
I was right. But the question plagued me, until I came up with an
idea.
This is a campaign
platform that can't lose in 2008 (or when ever that election is). It
is an issue that neither major political party has addressed,
either.
Mandatory
Siestas:
Mandatory siestas.
Good one, huh? Who's going to vote against mandatory siestas?
Recent informal polling indicates a high percentage of people in favor of
mandatory siestas. It beats the heck out of forced bussing. On
the other hand, we could have mandatory siestas combined with forced
bussing. That way people would have something to do while they were
on the bus.
Guaranteed Upsides:
Commerce: Starbucks would make
a(nother) fortune "perking" people up for the afternoon.
The Drug Problem: It should
be easier than ever to spot people on meth.
If I'm counting right, this is a win win win
scenario.
Sincerely,
Lola Lane
Political Editor and
Campaign Slut - Rasco
2008" Commentary
What Makes Digby
Run?
Editorial comment by Horace J.
Digby - SandBagger News
Some editors wouldn't comment on their own campaign for the presidency, and neither will I, except to say, that I will not be one of those candidates who fails to make his beliefs known. No matter what the issue, or how politically charged the debate, I will tell the American People what they want to hear. And If my pollsters can't determine what that might be, I will not obfuscate on the issues (assuming I can figure out what obfuscate means before November). And neither will my running-mate, Hank Rasco, who's foresight has made this campaign a reality, obfuscate either. Our campaign will begin saving America money even at the inaugural ball. Rasco will perform, saving valuable money that other presidents have spent on hired musicians. And while Rasco is performing, he will not obfuscate . . . 
When you cast your vote next
November, remember to cast it where it will make the most difference, at a
poling place. Casting it at a bus depot will not do much good.
It is also a good idea to use an official ballot. Better yet, get
one of those mail-in ballots.
Sincerely,
Lana Long
Treasurer "Digby - Rasco
2008"
|
| |
Today's News
- Friday April 6th, 2007
Rasco and Digby -
Poised To
Sweep Red &
Blue States In 2008
By Caufbaugh Twilley - SandBagger
News
 Following the current trend of media
celebrities running for public office, Hank Rasco today announced again,
for the 417th straight day, that he would run for the office of Vice
President of the United
States.
 Rasco, in an
anticlimactic and oft repeated gesture, selected long-time friend and advisor, Horace J. Digby, as
his running-mate.
Digby - Rasco plan to win by blocking their
opponents' campaigns (See: Walken and Barry Campaigns Stall . .
., below, this issue).
"If Bo Derrick commits to an endorsement (for
Barry) we're screwed," Rasco said.
I think we can Beat Walken. It's Barry
I'm worried about," Digby told reporters.
"On the other hand, if you challenge him to a
hotdog eating contest I think we can take him," Rasco supportively told
Digby, as the usually reserved, objective reporters broke into
uncontrolled applauses.
According to Rasco, "both parties are in real
trouble and probably desperate enough to grasp for anyone with a fresh new
approach."
We'll go with which ever major party offers
"the most dough up front," Rasco and Digby said in unison, sounding not
unlike the Everly Brothers.
"If nominated I demand a signing bonus,"
Rasco said. But, "I'm looking forward to presiding over the
Senate," he added.
"I'm wondering if we would be getting more
press coverage if I were running for Lt. Governor instead of Vice
President," Rasco concluded.
Walken & Barry - Campaigns
Stall Shaken by competition from the Digby - Rasco camp, long-time presidential wannabe, Dave Barry, has left his supporters in the dark by failing to up date his campaign website. Built for the 2000 elections, and updated in 2004, it is now strangely silent as to his plans for 2008. http://www.davebarry.com/president/dave2k This is the sort of indolence Rasco and Digby
hope to inspire in the general electorate come next November. Until
then they plan to pick and choose primaries quite carefully.
While Barry is acting ostrich like, with his
head in the sand, other celebrities have already joined the
contest.
Chirstopher Walken appears to be leading the
pack, with his SNAPPY campaign quote:
Whether the Walken campaign will be
able to see the forest for the handwriting on the wall, is yet to be seen,
but at least his web site,
http://www.walken2008.com
is up and running.
There is still no word from Martha Stewart or Donald Trump. Clearly Trump
lacks the good sense to come in out of the rain, but Stewart seems to know
all about rain, mudrooms, and stuff like that. So, pundits are
taking a wait-and-see attitude at this stage of the game.
| ||
| ||||