My birthday is July 11, placing me in the middle of Cancer, which I never liked.  It sounds so cancerous.  I always wanted to be a Leo, or perhaps a Pisces.  Nevertheless, to do a scientific study I figured I'd have to use my actual birth sign.

    The first step was to gather several horoscopes.  You would think that all horoscopes for my sign would be the same on any given day (all being driven by immutable laws of astrological science).  But surprisingly, if you pick up several different papers for the same day, the horoscopes are all different. 

    I picked one at random and began reading.  "You are genuine..." (no argument there) "...yet you could find yourself in a temporarily sticky position as a result."  That horoscope didn't make much sense, but it didn't end there (although my experiment would have been easier if it had). 

    The horoscope went on to state three propositions:  1)  "It is well worth the satisfaction you get from being honest,"  2)  "Respond with humor to a loved one’s harsh demands," and,  3)  "Let go of an old grudge."

    The first proposition was clearly just hype, so I ignored it.  The second proposition, however,  was an actual bit of advice; "respond with humor to harsh demands."  This seemed appropriate for a humor columnist.  Maybe there is something to this horoscope stuff after all. 

    The proposition had to be tested.  So, I waited about thirty minutes and sure enough, my loved one came up with some harsh demands.

    "Honey, while you are at the refrigerator, would you please get me a soda? . . . Thanks sweetie," my loved one harshly demanded.  Hey, I had a deadline, O.K.  The entire world was waiting for my scientific results.  I couldn't wait around for a declaration of war.  I had to take what I could get.  So I responded with Humor.

    "Why did the chicken cross the road?" I asked.

    "What chicken?" she asked.

    And while I was explaining my experiment, she walked over and got her own soda.  So there you have it, irrefutable proof of . . . well . . . apparently it's proof that I need to do another experiment. 

    I still haven’t figured out what to do about that third part of the horoscope.  I’m not sure what letting go of an old grudge means.  Oh, I get the concept alright, but I just can’t bring my self to do it. 

    When I was five years old, a neighbor girl named Mary broke the stick on my toy flag.  Boy that made me mad.  Now that I think of it, she has gotten away with it for all these years.  It would be a shame to give up that grudge just now.  It is, after all, all I have left.  The rest of the stick, and the flag are long gone and forgotten.  But I still have that grudge.  And surprisingly I still enjoy it. 

    Sooner or later I’ll come up with a grudge to get rid of.  But for now it’s such fun dredging them up, I want to keep at it for a while.  I'm making a nice list of people that I haven’t thought of in decades and trying to find their addresses in the phone book. 

    Conclusion:  Good scientific reports (and even bad ones) need a conclusion.  My experiment was conclusive.  I should have gone with Leo, or perhaps Pisces.  They both had better horoscopes.