Las Vegas: where the beautiful people play amid mountains of loot all yours for the winning.  But don't take your cell phone. 

 

Mine kept ringing every few minutes.  That distinctive ring tone I downloaded sounds just like slot machines.  I was reaching for my phone every time someone hit a jackpot. 

 

I was there on business. (It doesn't mater if you believe me, as long as my wife and the IRS do.)  I was attending a convention for people who don't go to conventions. 

 

Vegas offers more food than your average cruise ship.  I was about a month into an alternate day fasting plan.  Diets don't work for me, but I'm pretty good at not eating every other day.  There are no complex rules or calorie counting.  I just have to remember whether I ate yesterday.  You won't believe how much time I save not eating. 

 

Starbucks at the MGM Grand will burn your favorite tunes to a personalized CD.  I can't figure out how to order coffee at Starbucks.  After several tries I settled for orange juice.  The fellow behind me was Scottish. 

 

 

I needed a pair of pants altered.  The tailor was just a block away, but I didn't know that blocks in Las Vegas are the size of what people call towns in other places.  I crossed two or three state and perhaps international borders on my walk.  But I actually got to try out my High School Russian on the tailor who didn't speak much English.  People tell me they hardly notice the six extra legs. 

 

Celebrities are everywhere in Vegas, and when they run out, celebrity impersonators fill the void.  The Rat Pack made an appearance one night.  Frank while not the best of the four was so good that I was afraid to mention he wasn't the best, because I thought he'd have someone hurt me. 

 

I got to meet Rita Rudner, but not Penn and Teller.  I called their dressing room and someone picked up the phone immediately.  But they didn't say anything.  Penn does all the talking in their act and Teller remains silent, I figured it was Teller on the phone. 

 

"Hello," I said.  "If you are Teller, click once."

 

On the other end I heard one click . . . followed by a dial tone. 

 

I only visited the gaming tables once, but happened to win $1,000.  The minute it happened I remembered, "What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas."  So I had to leave the money there. 

 

-- Horace J. Digby

 

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