Christmas comes but once each year–currently from mid July through late January–and the symbols that keep our spirits bright are everywhere; tinsel, Santa and his tiny reindeer, fruit cake (well, they're not all winners).  No You just can't ignore the holiday season, althought it wouldn't hurt to try.  

What better way to begin the holidays than getting the family Christmas tree.  Imagine the joy of sharpening your saw, driving to a beautiful tree farm, trying to find parking in the overcrowded lot and trudging through all that soft, rich, moist mud, looking for that perfect tree.  There is no greater holiday pleasure than sawing down your own Christmas tree, while pitch oozes all over your new ski gloves, your jacket, your neck and your hair—unless it's the holiday pleasure of dragging your tree back through all that mud and tying it to the top of your SUV, or the holiday pleasure of scraping pitch off your windshield for the next twelve months.

 

Another joy is sending Christmas cards.  One year I got a wave of mail that took until February to open.  Now I just stamped "Return To Sender!" on my Christmas mail.  I figure, "let them open it."

 

I always try to find that unique perfect gift for each person on my list.  Failings that, I pretend to act like I believe them when they rave about that electric butter knife or plastic sandwich board I got them . . . and how much nicer it is than the one I got them last year . . . and the year before. 

 

Soon, if you have done your job well, it is the moment to hang stockings by the chimney with care.  I'm usually a wreck by this time.  But the season is not over—especially if you have little tykes expecting presents.  One solution is to tear the month of December from the calendar and tell your kids they overslept.  Or you can face the true test of parenthood: assembling the toys. 

 

Many toys come from the factory in packages cheerfully marked, "Some assembly required!"  By carefully reading instructions I have learned that some assembly required is just the toy maker's way of saying, "Heck, we couldn't figure out how to put it together either." 

 

The "some assembly required" part of Christmas comes right after the "nestled all snug in their beds" part.  How long assembly takes is estimated by those same folks who determine how long it takes to prepare your own federal income tax return.  Those people think continental drift takes about fifteen minutes. 

 

Assembling toys is the most exciting part of the season.  What other chance does dad get to do full body slams against the roof of a gigantic plastic play fort.  Here's a tip:  move the roof and the play fort so the interlocking joints line up, then climb on a sturdy piece of furniture (a coffee table is perfect) and leap into the air throwing your entire weight on the roof.  If you do this repeatedly and with enough force, your children will thank you Christmas morning–and your chiropractor will thank you for the next eighteen months.  A word of warning however, don't let your clothing, body parts or household pets get anywhere near those interlocking joints.