New Warning Label
by Horace J. Digby
As a society we haven't paid
nearly enough attention to those cute little warning label icons
decorating the side of prescription medicine bottles. You are
probably be familiar with some of them.
"Do not consume alcohol while using
"Do not operate motor vehicles or
-ment while using this product."
Helpful as these are, they just don't go far
enough considering the many other serious risks we face each
day. For this reason, The SandBagger Institute For Advanced
Human Research and Bowling Team has proposed immediate adoption of the
following New Pill Bottle Warning Label
Risks are all around us just crying out for
their own warning label icons. Investors have lost
billions in the stock market in recent years. Just think
of how much of that loss could have been prevented by this simple
"Warning: This medication may reduce
your ability to realize that you are actually taking stock market advice
from you unemployed brother-in-law."
For many the stock market is tame compared to
the alarming rise of divorce in our nation. Here's a warning
icon which just might help turn that tide.
"Always consult your physician before
using this medication in combination with phrases like: "I
do," or "Gee that's a pretty ring!"
With the majority of all new business
startups fail during their first three years, here is another icon we
cannot do without.
"Warning: Use of this medication may
increase the apparent attractive-ness of certain business
Many medications cause mistakes and
forgetfulness, yet the following important health reminder has somehow
been missing from our pill bottles.
"Reminder: Dating or
marriage between siblings is strongly discouraged."
Here is another icon that could prevent
significant suffering each year.
"The Surgeon General has determined
that it is unsafe to select new fabric or wall paper while under
the influence of this product."
It may be too later for us to benefit this
time arround, but the following warning will improve the lives of
thousands in the future.
"Warning: This medication may
interfere with normal judgment. People using it are strongly advised
to avoid running in the Iowa Primary."
Year in and year out one activity is cited
above all others as our nations greatest health risk especially when
combined with intoxicating liquor or conflicting
medications. Tragically the
majority of its victims are not its users, but their friends,
relatives and co-workers who become passively exposed to its
second-hand effects. This
highly addictive activity has been completely ignored by the
pill-bottle- warning-label-icons industry, UNTIL NOW.
"WARNING: KARAOKE AND
SECOND-HAND KARAOKE MAY BE HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH."
by Horace J.
the Robert Benchley Society Award for
© 2008 Lexington Film, LLC. All rights