Ponderings
by
Horace J. Digby
When his pal Diana Ahlquist, Author of The Complete Idiot's Guide to Fortune Telling, wanted some quotes from Digby for her new book, The Complete Idiot's Guide to Life After Death, Alpha/Penguin/Group, here is what Horace came up with. We hope you enjoy them.
The three eternal questions: "Who am I?" "Where am I going?" And, "Will I get frequent flier miles?"
Death is a deeply personal
experience. You shouldn't rush into it.
I don't know if we achieve life after
death, but I'm pretty sure they'll cancel our credit cards.
Death is inevitable, but your
results may vary.
I'm not worried about life after death. I
just want to know where if I can get a decent haircut.
Mediums can help you communicate with the
dead, but when it comes to teenagers you're on your own.
I'm convinced there is life after death.
What I have doubts about is life after birth.
Selected a medium by size. Don't
get one that's too large or too small.
You can visit the spirit world,
but be sure to get your shots first.
There definitely is life after death,
but you have to book seven days in advance and some restrictions do
apply.
The afterlife is a lot like the
federal witness protection program, except you don't need a new social
security number.
The closest thing I've had to a
near-death experience was the 1962 Mets.
I have a pretty good idea what the
spirit world is like. I went to college in the late 60s.
The spirit continues to evolve after
death. Weight gain may also be a problem.
You will reunite with your loved
ones in the afterlife, but there's also that playground bully from the
forth grade.
In the spirit world we will all take on the
manifestation of perfect physical beauty. That means we will all
look just like Woody Allen.
Not everyone goes to heaven or
hell. Some people end up on reality television.
You can return from the spirit world, but you'll
need a valid photo ID that exactly matches your boarding pass.
I knew one medium who was so powerful, not only
could she contact spirits, she could contact plumbers on weekends.
You will experience time and space in the
spirit world. But space is very limited so you should arrive
early.
I asked my wife if she thought we would enjoy
sensual pleasure in the spirit world. She said, "Not tonight, I have
a headache."
Reincarnation seems like a long shot. And
if you do come back as somebody else none of your clothes will fit.
-- Horace J. Digby --
Winner of the Robert Benchley Society Award for
Humor
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