Dog days are upon us again—hot dog days that is—I'm talking about picnics.  

 

Noted hot dog historian, professor emeritus Bruce Kraig, Ph.D. (no kidding, there really are hot dog historians), says that an early ancestor of the hot dog came to prominence in America just before the Civil War.  By 1871 the first hot dog stand had opened at Coney Island, selling sausages on milk-rolls.  In 1893 hot dogs were introduced to major league baseball by the St. Louis Browns organization.  Fans ate them up.  

 

Perhaps the first hot dog controversy arose in 1904, when Anton Feuchtwanger, also of St. Louis, invented the hot dog bun.  Feuchtwanger had been giving out white gloves with his sausages, when his brother-in-law, a baker, suggested using long soft rolls instead.  Thereafter, Feuchtwanger claimed credit for the invention of the hot dog bun.  That may be when hot dog standardization problem began. 

 

Modern hot dogs come in packages of ten while buns come packages of eight.  This lack of standardization always troubled me.  It meant you always had two extra hot dogs.  If you bought another pack of buns, you ended up with six extra buns, and so on. 

 

I figure Feuchtwanger's brother-in-law, the baker, probably started this problem too get even with Feuchtwanger for taking credit for inventing the bun.  The brother-in-law probably envisioned Feuchtwanger going broke as his shop filled with extra hot dogs and buns. 

 

Although many industries have been regulated by congress, powerful hot dog and bun lobbies with huge campaign contributions and lavish gifts of mustard, have kept hot dogs on the back burner in Washington D.C.  As a result congress has failed to address this pressing issue. 

 

That's why I, Horace J. Digby have secretly been working on a system to bring order to the process of ordering hot dogs and buns. 

 

Starting with one package of buns and one of hot dogs, I worked my way up to five of dogs and six of buns, 30 tests in all.  It took seven years, but I have finally found the answer (the question seems to be misplaced now, but the answer is definitely found). 

 

Only one combination tested produced an equal number of hot dogs and buns.  The other twenty-nine just left 484 an unmated hot dogs and buns piled everywhere.  My wife was stunned to learn of my discovery.  She had just one question,

 

"Why didn't you just buy bun sized hot dogs?" she asked.