The Da Vinci Mole (the author Interviewed)

With Dan Brown's runaway best seller and Ron Howard's block buster movie raising eyebrows across the nation, one thing is certain. We are in for a long hot summer of merchandising and me too-products. Can action figures be far behind?

Mindful of the coming clamor, your ever faithful correspondent has, in a sincere effort to cash in on his share of the hype, set out to interview Dr. Ian Browne, author of perhaps the most daring Da Vinci rip-off to date, The Da Vinci Mole.

Browne's publisher, BenBella Books, calls The Da Vinci Mole "fiction . . . a philosophical parody." But Browne denies this, promising instead to reveal the "true secret" behind area 51, why Jackson Pollock's paintings are so ugly and what White House Deputy Chief of Staff Karl Rove does with his spare time.

It turns out that "Dr. Ian Browne" is a pseudonym concealing the true identity of a rumored jet fighter pilot, clandestine intelligence operative, and professional pool hustler. Dividing his time between London and Los Angeles, Browne is said to be married to two (soon three) of the worlds most beautiful women.

Finding the book was easy. Amazon.com calls it "taut suspense and shocking revelations;" Independent Publishers Group says it's "a whirlwind adventure to uncover the most profound conspiracy in the history of the human race . . ." L.A. Weekly calls it "a silly little book, but . . . actually pretty funny. . ." But finding the good "doctor" promised to be a profound challenge.

Fortunately this guy I knew had his e-mail address.

[For security purposes, the following interview was conducted over a technology-rich binary digital information exchange protocol invented by Al Gore.]

Digby: Dr. Browne, let me begin by asking, what inspired The Da Vinci Mole?

Dr. Browne: I wrote The Da Vinci Mole in an attempt, an attempt I now realize was foolhardy, to disseminate certain critical information that the world desperately needs to know. How were the pyramids built? . . . Why is there that weird eye on the dollar bill? . . . How did The Da Vinci Code sell so many copies even though the book doesn’t really make any sense once you think about it?

Digby: Is there a "true conspiracy" to be learned from your book? And if so, how did you discover it?

Dr. Browne: There certainly is a true conspiracy. Having risen to the highest levels accessible in the Scientology organization, I learnt some things I shouldn’t have. Things that people must know. Things that Dan Brown doesn’t want you to know.

Digby: How long have you known of The Da Vinci Mole conspiracy?

Dr. Browne: 17 months.

Digby: Why didn't you speaking out earlier?

Dr. Browne: It took me a while to muster up the courage. Plus the Scientologists have some really, really great parties; you can’t imagine. It wasn’t easy to turn my back on that.

Digby: Were there threats?

Dr. Browne: Not threats exactly. Dirty looks, though.

Digby: Will your book place readers at risk?

Dr. Browne: There is the risk they will want their $9.95 back. I suggest you not bend the spine.

Digby: Are powerful enemies trying to destroy your book, and if so, how many copies should each man woman and child on Earth purchase incase an enemy steals their copy?

Dr. Browne: Excellent question! Three should do it. One to be sealed in a time capsule and buried, one hidden somewhere on your person, and one should be mailed directly to Dan Brown’s lawyers.

Digby: Can our readers help fight The Da Vinci Mole conspiracy?

Dr. Browne: I think it would be very helpful if watchers of The Da Vinci Code film hold up copies of my book in protest throughout the showing (or at least until they are ejected from the theater).

Digby: What will you be writing next?

Dr. Browne: I’m currently working on the sequel, The Da Vinci Small Velvety-Furred Burrowing Mammal.

[At this point Al Gore came online asking me to deposit twenty-five cents for the next three minutes.]

-- Horace J. Digby --