The problem with fitness today is Richard Simmons.  And he's not the only problem.  There are also health clubs, gyms, rowing machines, weight machines, female body builders, pulse rate monitors, jogging, weight training, medicine balls, sweat bands, CPR, aerobics, and cross trainers.  It's like learning a new language.  In the old days you just did a few jumping jacks and you were fit.  Now it's like ordering coffee at Starbucks.  "I'll have a half decaf cardio-aerobics-skinny-venti . . . and make that a double." 

 

    Here are all the fitness terms you'll ever need to know: 

 

    Aerobics:  Aerobics is any fitness program where you workout until you're almost out of breath.  At my age everything is aerobics, putting on shoes, opening a can of soda, even typing this article.  For me, tying shoes is now a three part program.  Step one, stretching—this is not a separate exercise.  I just need to do it so I can reach my feet.  Step two, finding my shoes—often I have forgotten to slip them on.  Step Three, taking a nap—after all that work I need some rest. 

 

    Yoga:  This far eastern system of stretching exercise (not to be confused with that little lizard/frog guy from Star Wars) has become immensely popular because it allows you to lie on a mat and exercise without really moving very much.  It's great for my life style.  I already knew how to not move, and a couch, after all, is just a really tall mat.  It turns out I'd been doing yoga for years and didn't even know it. 

 

    Eating Right:  Most fitness experts (including Rodney Dangerfield) make a big deal about eating right.  That's silly.  How can you not eat right?  You put stuff in your mouth, you chew it, and swallow.  What's so tough about that? 

 

    The Four Basic Food Groups:  According to this myth, eating from the four basic food groups (grains, dairy products, meats, fish, fruits and vegetables) will make you healthy.  The problem is—aside from there being six food groups in the list (didn't that ever bother anyone besides me?)—it's all a bunch of hype generated by Agra-Business Conglomerates that dominated the early 1900s.  And what about minerals?  Shouldn't there be a "little tiny particles that get absorbed into your body somehow," food group.  A diet cola food group wouldn't hurt either. 

    Today, even though most people don't eat from the four basic food groups, we are healthier, stronger, taller, faster, smarter, more agile, with more endurance, more body mass, longer life spans and less down time, than people 100 years ago.  Now all we eat are candy bars, espresso, corn chips and microwave popcorn, which all fit neatly into what I call:

    The New Four Basic Food Groups.  Sweet things, salty things, crunchy things, and liquids; these are the new basics of modern nutrition.  Eating two or more helpings from each group, five or six times a day will keep you healthy.  Then if you want to listen to Richard Simmons and eat grains, fruits, or vegetables, go ahead . . .  But don't say I didn't warn you.