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Cowlitz
Wahkiakum
Bar Association
Golf Tournament
News
(A SandBagger News Special
Edition)
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SandBagger Mag-e-zine - Special
Edition - Volume 3, Issue 6, September 3,
2003 |
Lawyers Deal With Complex Rules
By Horace Digby
-- Editor-In-Chief -- SandBagger News
Lawyers
deal with complex, extensive, detailed rules, many of
which are hundreds of years older than the U.S.
Constitution. We function in a system where truth
is divined and victory established by taking the word of those
involved. Often, they are the only witnesses. It
is an adversarial and competitive system fraught with
aggression and competition, in which some have kept false
records, lied and cheated in the hope of finding
victory. Yet it is knowledge of and skillful application
of the rules that spell the
difference between winning and losing.
The stakes
are high. At its best, this system and proceedings under
it are characterized by honor and candor. At its worst,
it becomes a mean competition of base emotions and low
tactics.
Of course, I am
talking about golf.
Lawyers
Really Teed Off
By Horace J. Digby -- Editor-In-Chief
-- SandBagger News
A bunch of
teed off lawyers turned out to be a good thing last week
as ten teams took to the tees in the
Cowlitz Wahkiakum Bar Association Eighth
Annual Golf Tourna-ment.
Forty golfers, mostly
lawyers, spent the day trying to keep
their heads down
on the
fairway
so they could
hold them up later
in the
clubhouse.
Sponsors
this year included Dr.
Clay Bartness,
Noelle McLean
and Nancy Williamson who donated prizes
for the event. Golfers also had a chance to
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win lavish cash
awards.
But the big winner
this year was Cowlitz Wahkiakum
Legal Aid, which
gained $770.00 from
tournament pro-
ceeds; not a bad
result for what began as a social
gathering.
The
tournament started as a way for lawyers to see one
another in a less stressful
environment.
A
Big Thanks goes
to organizers Lindsey Cotterell, Angie Warning and Noelle McLean
who did a stellar job on the
event—especially the rules
part.
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Rules
Rule at The
Rivers
By Lola Lane
(Buttonman's Girlfriend)
-- SandBagger News
Lindsey Cotterell
(unless someone else wants the credit) created some
"special" rules this year which all of the golfers
appreciated.
"These rules are
weird," all of the golfers said in unison, sounding not
unlike the Everley Brothers.
One rule
allowed golfers to buy mulligan tickets (basically
do-overs) for five dollars each. This handy
item lets you take a bad shot
over—which ranks right up there with
re-doing a failed marriage, or buying a used
Porsche.
For
golfers who correctly realized that repeating
a costly mistake was
not fun, there was also "string"
(actually ribbon— |
available
at five dollars for an undisclosed amount) which allowed
golfers to sink a putt without actually hitting the
ball.
| The string turned out to be a good way to
avoid that extra stroke. With enough string you
could beat Tiger Woods.
"Oh, that five-hundred twenty
yard dog-leg right, with the water hazard? I made
that in zero strokes."
But you would have to
invest about $1,500.00 in
string.
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The Winners
and the Other People
By Jayson Glass
-- SandBagger News
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This year, the foursome of Tom
O'Neill, Mark Brumbaugh, Max Ander-son and
Alex Styve was the team to beat. And everybody
did beat them. They finished last with a
one over par seventy-three, to win a huge
chocolate bar, narrowly beating, or losing to
(de-pending on how you feel about chocolate) the team of
Dave Nelson, Mr. and Mrs. Jim Morgan, and Robert Roden
who gave them a real run for the . . . well . . . for
the chocolate, by finishing with an even
par. |
The top
of the leader
board had com-petition too,
with
Mitch-elson, Neilsen,
Gustaf-son,
and Diane S., from Clark County, in the hunt for a
share of the fourth place prize of fifty dollars.
Their winnings were forfeited to pay for dinner which
they must have thought was included in their entry
fee. Even with the forfeited
winnings, |
the Bar got
stuck for a ten spot.
Noelle McLean, Andy Hamilton, and two younger Hamiltons
tied for fourth place with six under par.
Having paid for dinner, they got to keep the prize.
The foursome of Judge
Steven Warning, Kevin Warning, Court Commis-
sioner Dennis Maher
and |
Laura
Maher
accom-
panied by Angie Warning,
earned a respectable ten under par,
crediting their score to judicious use of string, creative mulligan work and bringing in
ringers like Kevin Warning and Laura Maher
who led
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their team to an eighty
dollar third place victory.
Lindsey
Cotterell, Alan Engstrom, Kevin Rahn and Joe
Daggy, called their group "String Quartet,"
an egocentrism not entirely
unreasonable, considering
the legitimate
eagle they earned when Daggy sank an approach shot
from 180
yards out on the
treach-erous fourteenth dogleg
left water
hole.
But thirteen under par was
only good enough to earn second place money of
$100.00.
Running out of
precious string on the back nine, the
quartet suffered a
disap- |
pointing series of
pars, to remain two
strokes behind
tourna-ment
leaders Hanigan,
Hanigan,
Heywood
and Cruickshank, from Wahki-akum
County, who scored  a record
fif teen under par
fifty-
young-
er and
in bet-ter
shape than the other
golf-ers," Heywood,
or some-
body might have said,
if anyone had asked.
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Other teams
faced diffi-culty from the beginning. Craig
McReary, Jamie Imboden, Tim South and
Kurt Anagnostou first ran into trouble when Anagnostou
failed to show up. Then Imboden lost valuable
course management time helping cart-mate McReary
retrieve golf balls that the Mc-ster had hit
at other
foursomes.
Tim South, by all ac-counts,
(well, at least his own accounts) played
well, |
until McReary, who had inexplicably been allowed
to drive the cart, ran over South's clubs.
Fortunately, Imboden later ran McReary down with the
same cart, possibly adjusting the team's karma.
Judges Alan Hallowell, Milton
Cox, Jim Stonier and their caddie Ron
Marshall didn't play up to their normal skill
level, in part due to the long robes interfering
with the
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Judges' back
swings. Also Marshall
was too busy saying things
like, "Great
Shot Your Honor," and,
"May I approach the green," to be
able to provide the judges with expected research on the
use of string and mulli-gans.
Most of the
lawyers agreed it was "a darn shame that Marshall held
his foursome
back."
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Although some
law-yers said that the "Judges just played poorly
and would have gotten their butts kicked no matter what,
neener, neener, neener,"—but Daggy,
Anagnostou and South didn't say that—it
was only the other lawyers who said it.
Another luckless four-some was
composed of Court Commissioner Gary Bashor, Lori Bashor,
ten-month-old Alex
Bashor |
(who
incidentally shot a
career-best
seventy-two under par), Tad Scudder, Trish Scudder and
Ryan Ralston. They act-ually had six people
in their foursome.
"It was due to a math error,"
Gary Bashor later conceded. Unfortunately golf,
even when played with string and mulligans, involves
some basic math skills, like counting.
Math-challenged players are well advised to
work on their
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skills by
playing golf with this reporter, and betting
heavily.
At press time the
Bashor
"foursome" was
still calculating its score.
All participants in
this year's tournament owe three big cheers to the
organizers—except for the Bashor
"foursome" which calculates that it owes somewhere
between two and seven cheers (they'll
get back to us on that).
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Sometimes we print real
news. |
This issue
of Cowlitz Wahkiakum Bar Association Golf Tournament News is
published by SandBagger Mag-e-zine, a division of Lexington Film,
LLC.
All
"persons," "facts" and "plants" depicted in this issue are
fictional.
Copyright
© 2003 Lexington Film, LLC. All rights
reserved |
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